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All the secret crimes a uni student will never admit to

Vanessa Tobias

Careers Commentator

Being a uni student is a, um, an interesting time in our lives. Firstly, I blame our parents for having us and putting us in this world without even consulting us. I mean, did we get a say in the matter? 

And now apparently we have to head out in the big bad world and find a career to support ourselves. We didn’t ask for that responsibility, either. What a stitch up! Anyway. Uni and stuff. 

Well since we’ve accepted our fate and we’re here in our first year (I know it rhymes. I’m good at the words and stuff), these are all the things that we do in our first year of uni. Behold fam, these are all the secret crimes the first year uni student will never admit to.

Being a terrible flatmate

I myself earned me the nickname of “Never Look Back”, amongst other things I can't mention in a PG-rated article, in my sharehouse. Basically, because I’d leave something like my clothes, or my dignity, somewhere completely random, wander off and wait for it... never look back. 

On one of these occasions, I found the remote in the fridge, I’m not even kidding. And that was the one day I was sober. Mainly because I have the attention span of a drunk two-year-old, and I’d literally forget what I’m doing two seconds after I do it. Fun times.

We’re all guilty of being a really shitty flatmate. Especially at uni, when it’s likely we’re sharing for the first time and we’re selfish little twats that think the world revolves around us. 

Whether it’s eating your flatties leftovers (guilty), drunkenly having loud sex (also guilty- unless my parents are reading this and if that’s the case I’m still a virgin, dad!) or whatever terrible thing you’ve done or are still doing, we’ve all been a terrible flatmate at some stage.

University life - lounge

Totally winging an exam

We’ve all totally winged an exam at one point. Perhaps you were kicking arse in a beer pong game at a lit party when you suddenly remembered the exam you had in the morning. Or you were well aware it was coming but dug your head in the sand because you were about to have a mental breakdown and couldn’t deal with it anymore (my personal go-to move).

Perhaps you simply figured instead of preparing for your exam, the answers would magically come to you when you were there. Either way, we’ve all completely winged an exam at some point or the other. 

Clearly, I don’t learn lessons because I’m still completely winging everything I do and every important decision in life I make. I think things are going ok (Narrator in the background - 'Things are definitely not going ok!').

University life - exam

Going to hell over an excuse you made for an extension 

Hey, I’m not judging. I’ve been there, more than once. Okay, several times, but I’m a terrible human, so there’s that. But we’ve all used a deplorable excuse to get an extension on an assessment or to explain our lack of attendance in class.

You may have pulled at the heartstrings off your professor by making up a story about a sick family member. Or you went to Dr. Google and diagnosed your headache with stage 3 cancer. Or you literally have no soul at all and claimed the death of a family member, we've all done it.

I'm not saying it's right, and y'all need Jesus, but let's be honest. We've all been there. 

University life - Dr. Google

Turned up still drunk 

Personally, I think you should high five yourself for showing up in the first place. Clearly, it would have been easier to pass out on your bed using last night's pizza as a pillow. So look at you go! You’re a full grown adult now. I think? Or the opposite. I don’t know. Why would you listen to anything I say, anyway? You people are nuts.

Anyhoo, whether you’ve had too many sherberts the night before. Or started the day with a student's right to breakfast beers. Or couldn’t face that particular lecture without a fireball shot, we’ve all showed up to an exam or lecture still a little turnt. 

You might have stumbled in straight from your walk of shame, or without a shower for a couple of days too. But hey, you might as well go big, or go home! #respect.



Let your diet go to shit

Look, I’m not saying I’m anti-vegetables, especially those hidden in my Chinese takeaway. But Homer Simpson did have a point when he said, 'you don’t make friends with salad'. Even if our body is a temple, mine being Buddha's but same-same, our student budget barely allows us to eat anything in the first place. Let alone organic or paleo or anything over the two-dollar per meal mark.

Breakfast? Last night's leftover pizza (or last weeks, but who am I to judge?) hits the spot nicely. Lunch, also last night's leftover pizza.  And dinner.  Well two beers, because if you do the maths there’s a bread roll in every beer, and that's a decent feed. Once again, I'm not judging. You do you. 

University life - diet